Why

Its getting close to my father in laws 1st year anniversary.....and the rememberance of him, the missing, starts to get stronger and stronger as the anniversary approaches.

human beings seem to be built to forget - to keep ourselves sane. But during anniversaries - all the old emotions all the old feelings the sadness at death at losing someone come pouring back in.

And you probably wonder - why so emo - its just father in-law. But truth be told Daddy was the kindest, most loving man i have ever met. He was the ultimate father. Middle class with 9 kids, provided for his whole family, his kids, was a pillar of his society, his neighbourhood...Daddy i will always remember him as the guy who used to make tea for the postman, the garbage collectors everyone...

And this leads me to the question - why do people have to die? Whats the point of making all these contacts, creating a family, creating a community, getting so attached to everything and making people so attached to you and then to just die...I dont understand it. I miss you Daddy...I miss the cheeky smile...I miss the wise sayings (Daddy was like a quote a day)...I miss being told to go to church...I miss your surprise visits...I miss the optimism and the joy with which you embraced life.

Castles in the Sand

Oh to be rich - to be thin - to have everything. Its very very nice to sit in the evening, sipping a cup of nescafe ice, with my "the one" and build castles in the sand. Healthy or not im not sure, but Nice & Wonderful im certain.

To drive the BMW's to be a nice little housewife with time to dabble in charities, in whatever suits my fancy - buy designer wear (which i will be able to fit cus i would have done all the necessary surgery to be Kate Moss'es lookalike) - go to the most expensive mall - point and get....

we somemtimes wonder whether we will be bored - but when your busy building these castles - its easy to just push aside silly ideas like boredom and just continue on to our tropical bungalow right in the center of KL - with lots of grass..

Grass seems to be what drives us to succeed - grass for nicholas to run on - grass to build memories of playtime in the park - green green grass for Brownie to chase his tail on - to run - to chase - Grass...

Every middle class working couples dream - to own a home with grass...

Finding My Voice

Just finished reading GLAMOUR! Of all things trivial. Not a pullitzer prize winning book, not literature but glamour - and came away with one of the most profound sayings I have come across. Or maybe its more poignant since im at a sort of crossroads in my life...It read "finding your own voice means risking being wrong....it is only by taking those risks that your comfort and confidence in your own voice will grow"

Risks - something that i just dont like doing. Ever since I remember - i have always yearned to know the ending. From 10 i used to read hte endings of books before i read the beginnings - just to make sure that the story would end happy. Whats the point of wasting a few hours of my life on something which was going to be traumatic?

Risks - something i grew up with my whole life - you just never knew when mommy was going to act strange again

Risks - the fear of the unknown - the one thing that really requires you to trust - trust another person, trust your gut instinct - trust that you have what it takes.,

Thats how i see risks. And although i face the world - without any fear on a day to day basis. Although i seem like a fire breathing dragon to my friends to my colleagues to my bosses - im the biggest chicken on earth. Ill probably the one who has written on their tombstone - "the one with the most potential"....that describes me perfectly - potential energy!

Without taking risks - that potential is going to be wasted....so what do i do?

PS --- im also the one that never ever invested in a single thing in my life.

How do i find my own voice? How do i dance in the shoes that i have bought? How do i live my life to be an inspiration to my son? How?

It baffles me - Why i cant just plod along and be satisfied - but satisfaction is far from where i am...

So this just comes back to how?

There are a million things i want to do - but just dont have the balls to do! And i suppose that everyone out there has these same fears, these same concerns - especially amongst the many plodders like me...What makes me special?

A question asked since time immemorial - a question that i guess cant be answered till you try what you dream to do.

My dad did - he always wanted to run his own business. It failed. I dont really know what that proved? I dont know if it put all his dreams to rest, or it just caused him to be even more depressed, even more deflated, or if from that failure new dreams blossomed.

I have not actually failed at anything (touch wood, thank god, praise be to....)and thats another thing which keeps me away from risk. Cuz if you take the risk then you dont necessarily succeed...failure is a possibility. There really is no answer to this depressed ramblings - not really depressed but confused.

I will find my voice. I will. Its just a matter of time. This i promise ME....

Nick at 1.5 years

Hello alll - here are the latest updates for our litte monster!!!

he is growing cuter and naughtier daily!!!

To India we went!!

We left nicholas - and we went a gallavanting to india!!!